Whether or not you’ve heard the phrase “going Dutch”, you probably instantly understand what this means. The Dutch are notoriously known for keeping tabs on every cent, and not shying away from sending you a Tikkie for last week’s borrel. Here’s why you should think twice before doing that this Valentine’s day.
I had been living in the Netherlands for over three years when I first heard it. By that time, I had already experienced myself — and heard many stories about it — that dreaded moment at the end of dinner when the waiter comes with the bill.
What do the man and woman in the Netherlands expect from each other then? Is splitting the bill always acceptable?
Maybe it’s a cultural thing?
In many cultures, splitting the bill is not common practice at all, at least not for me, or many others coming from abroad to live in the Netherlands, or historically the majority of the Anglo-Saxon world from where the “going Dutch” phrase originally stemmed.
But why is this practice so ingrained in Dutch culture?
Coming from a country where everyone always insists (and almost fights) to foot the entire bill as a token of appreciation for the good time they have had, Dutch frugality was a bit of a shock for me. There are plenty of valid reasons to be conscious about how you spend your money, and the Dutch have mastered this with the invention of the Tikkie.
Dutchies see paying their own bill as something natural; it’s a part of their ego and a show of the independence they pride themselves so much on. Unfortunately, this attitude ended up bleeding into a situation where I think it simply doesn’t belong — dating.
READ MORE | 15 things to expect on a date with a Dutchie
Dating is no time to be frugal because it is all about good impressions. That is why I support the good old way that men should be taking over the bill. It might be a Sisyphean task to explain why I find the Dutch way ineffective, but it might have something to do with making men lazy, and women, well, underappreciated.
Clichés that are ruining dating
If you have read this far and you still fail to see why you can’t just split the bill with your date, you might well be supporting one of the following clichés (which I think are ruining the dating scene):
Cliché 1
“Women today have a job and are independent. They don’t need a man to pay for everything while dating.”
Interesting, but here’s a 2024 spin on that: “Women today don’t need to prove that they have a job and are independent. They are entitled to prefer men that take the initiative.”
Cliché 2
“Many women will only date a guy who is rich, with high social status and will expect him to pay for everything.”
Maybe. And so, what? Many men will only date women who are good-looking. It’s a trade-off of qualities, and definitely not wrong if it’s made clear and both people are okay with it from the get-go.
Women are hard-wired to look for a stable partner who can contribute to a possible new family. Men, on the other hand, are instinctively attracted to healthy-looking women.
The point is, if you are using that cliché to shame women with different priorities than yours, it’s time to stop.
Cliché 3
“Being a gentleman and paying for dinner doesn’t impress the women of today.”
Yes, it does. It especially does today, when it’s rare to find a guy who knows how to treat a woman he likes.
It’s not all about the money; it’s the gesture behind paying the bill that counts. It’s a show of appreciation and understanding of the effort that their date put into herself to look her best on that day with you. And, to an extent is a way of showing your financial stability, which is always impressive.
Why you wouldn’t go Dutch as a woman
If you are a woman in the Netherlands and it’s usual for you to suggest splitting the bill, ask yourself why you do that. Does it help fulfill your sense of independence, do you think it will impress him, or do you just feel awkward accepting him paying for the whole dinner?
Have you considered that you could be just perpetuating this new “norm” to fit into Dutch culture?
It’s normal for humans to want to belong, and we even go a long way to conform to what is generally accepted in society. But sometimes, it’s worth questioning whether these ideals serve their original purpose anymore.
Women who openly express a desire to be only with financially stable men are looked down upon. Debunking clichés that are meant to put shame on some women is a crucial part of establishing new norms of behaviour.
If you are like me, going Dutch on a date just wouldn’t send the right message. The law of attraction states that the feelings and desires you project, attract the same back at you.
It is best to be focused on what kind of relationship you want and, ultimately, what kind of man you wish to attract. First dates are a way of establishing how you want to be treated right from the start.
Why not go Dutch if you are a man
Simply because €34 will not make you any richer. You might argue that those dinners and drinks out add up, and if it weren’t for them, you could be driving that new scooter now. Possibly, but your new scooter will not impress her. Consistent and thoughtful gestures will.
To avoid surprises, carefully choose the place yourself according to your budget, so you don’t have to monitor her order, or, even worse, veto a meal or drink.
BONUS: What to do if she insists on paying:
Show her this article. If she just offers to pay: say no. Especially if you like her, do not accept. I would never offer that, but some women like to test the grounds.
Okay, but what if the date goes wrong?
It happens… a lot.
If you are a woman and you are having a horrible time, that would be a situation where paying your own part makes sense. You don’t want any gestures; you just want to leave. Understandable.
If you are a guy and your date goes wrong, be a class act, follow the advice above and eventually leave. Ghost if you need to. But really, do not send a Tikkie.
Will you be going Dutch this Valentine’s Day? Tell us in the comments below!
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the editorial position of DutchReview.
“Women and men are independent and equal but as a man you must foot the bill”
I never minded footing the bill, since (thankfully) I am financially stable and I enjoy making other happy. However if I were to _ever_ meet up with a woman as entitled as you sound in this article; it will always be a hard pass. We all work hard you know? What a load of BS this article is.
Reverse all the wording to be biased in favour of men and the article would be described as misogynistic. But, hey, it simply must be accepted that Valentine’s Day is all about women, and woe betide any man or woman who expects equality of any sort on that day.
Girl you have it right, regardless there is something you are missing, when woman act to man-like to the point that they sleep around, they are sending man in society the wrong message… You don’t want to me treated like ladies, sorry. but if we woman want old ways to come back we need also to be the old way, not necessarily being a staying at home mom but YES to not seeing sex as something casual, like this woman only look less valuable in men eyes… I’m sorry to say it, but we can’t have it all weather you are a man or a woman. If I have a son I would teach him to treat his girlfriend as a queen but she has to be deserving also, we woman need to wake up, sorry. Again you advise still make sense specially for wealthy man that are looking to be with young woman and therefore impress them… But talking about the average man and woman, it’s needs to take place a systematic change, still good article